I guess it’s time to get a little more professional and serious about it all. I may come across as a bit of a wild character, traveling around South Africa and engaging in all sorts of unexpected ventures, but a significant part of my life has been unconsciously converging toward this moment, culminating in the experience that will unfold in a few days at the Integral African Conference, taking place from the fourth to the sixth here in Johannesburg.
When I returned from my mission, having advanced in the Mormon Church, the conceptual filters I once had began to fall away, and I started to see the Church for what it truly was. When I married Jessica, I became acutely aware of the brainwashing that was happening around me. Then, I was introduced to Ken Wilber through his Cosmic Consciousness Lectures during a silent retreat, where I first encountered the concept of the psychograph. As I learned about the stages, levels, and streams of development in his postulated psychographic and psychometric model, I cried floods of tears. It became clear to me that this framework was an inter-objective method to assess and ensure proper adult psychological development—something that stood in stark contrast to the Mormon Church, where development largely revolved around obedience to it’s hypocritical leadership.
I sacrificed everything—my relationships, my career, my focus, my interests—just to fully immerse myself in learning and researching this framework. So, it was quite disappointing when I realized that it was only a theoretical overview, with no real ILP (Integral Life Practice) to practically apply the lifestyle that the Integral Movement was advocating. I vividly remember attending Integral Meetups, inquiring, asking questions, and trying to uncover the practical aspects—what steps to take to remove blind spots, to do proper shadow work, and to become a whole, integrated individual.
I remember clearly stating this at the last Integral Meetup I attended, becoming increasingly annoyed, irritated, and almost angry. I felt that there was a significant shadow surrounding all the discussions—specifically, the fact that the Integral model wasn’t practical enough. I realized that I had to delve into the shadow of the Integral group and movement myself, complete the research, and create something stable and reliable—something that could be considered a proper educational path for ensuring full adult development.
I remember when we started talking—or when I spoke with Mats—about what caused the split in the Integral group back in 2011. I recall hearing that Robert Holmin (the Opera singer) had said something like, “Is this all there is?” during a meetup at Erik Gadd, and I felt exactly the same way. Then, when I heard about your investment of 200,000 crowns into Hama’s Integral Matrix initiative, with the goal of bringing this vision to life and creating a new Esalen Institute, so to speak, it really resonated with me.
At the same time, I began to confront the shadows within the Mormon Church—the traumas and the secret grooming that were happening behind the façade. This only made me more resolute, deepening my understanding of the importance of all of this. I’ve poured everything I have into researching the specific stages, constructing a viable and accurate model, and developing new behaviors and habits that align with each step, stage, level, and state within the framework. It has cost me a great deal, and it feels as though I’ve invested my entire life, both unconsciously and consciously, to make this vision a reality.
When I felt inspired to return to South Africa last summer, I also began to feel compelled to start writing a book about Christ by doing daily scripture analysis. This led to the development of other books on the I Ching, Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, Dhammapada, and others, with the goal of conducting real academic work on these texts. In addition, I’m close to finishing my book, which is about 85% complete. I’ve written extensively, and I suppose many people have wondered what I’ve been doing all this time, engaging in new behaviors and testing different approaches on my own. This includes the political project I initiated in 2019—the Liquid Democracy Scalable Decision-Making App that I began constructing and designing.
All of my efforts and research, including my time as a preacher, have prepared me for this Integral Conference. A few months ago, I was inspired to reach out to Susanne Cokh-Greuter, and her kind responses and invitation to join her and her friends at this event have been truly encouraging. I really need to make this work.
I’ve now constructed a pitch deck for the Aqual Integral App, incorporating gamification elements that I had previously tested on paper and logs while working on the Crowpoll political project. Everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve done has culminated in this project. This also ties into the work I did with Solomon and Mopanya on the Realistic School, which focuses on reintegrating Yale-Birds and young people who have been ostracized by their families and society—a situation that resonates with my own experience.
This is why I’ve turned down so many opportunities, love relationships, and cultural movements. Deep down, I’ve always known that this was what I was truly working toward.
Everything I’ve studied and learned about politics, particularly through my involvement with the Crowpoll project, which was part of the Tools for Changemakers, has deeply informed my work. I’ve read The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir, A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft, and The State by Plato. I’ve also extensively researched the French Revolution, the emergence of the nation-state, and developed a critical view of current long-term political strategies in Sweden. So, this is no joke—I’m not just fooling around, even if it might seem that way. As I’ve said, this is my life’s work, and I’ve put in immense effort and made countless sacrifices.
I constantly think about my daughter’s upbringing and the concept of the “breaking age” at 15, the future of humanity, and the future of our children. I’ve been largely driven by this mission, often unconsciously, but also in rejection of the conventional education system in Sweden. I find the universities and many of the teachers to be somewhat lacking. I’ve also critically assessed various philosophers, like Slavoj Žižek, and have been disappointed by The Listening Society, Hansi Freinacht, and metamodernism as a whole.
Now, with all this knowledge and experience, I need to create something solid and impactful. This is my opportunity to make a great presentation—or several—while connecting with the Integral network in the coming days. This is my moment to synthesize everything I’ve learned and share it meaningfully.
I’ve also been increasingly saddened and somewhat disappointed when talking to Hannes. It seemed, in many ways, that he had given up on his quest, forgetting about this knowledge and no longer being as fully engaged as he was when I first met him in 2027 with Fridtjof. Back then, he was fully committed—100%, in my experience—and now, to see this change is disheartening, to say the least. But it also made me realize that, since he wasn’t pursuing it anymore, I needed to focus even more intensely on making this happen.
Regarding my political project, I’ve been disappointed as well. The people involved didn’t seem to have the proper knowledge or the genuine intent to create this new model of society or political initiative. So, I suppose I’m reaching out for actual support to get this done.
From my perspective, I’ve found the answers, but I’m still in the process of organizing them—through different presentations and in my book, which blends academic work with my life story. I aim to show the problems and challenges subjectively while also providing the solutions I’ve developed or discovered through my research. So now, I’m asking for help to build a team of people who are deeply committed to this vision and still hold the dream of it alive.
As for my new habit of smoking and drinking some wine, I guess it’s just a way for me to avoid disassociating—seeking some dopamine reinforcement (that I’m not getting from anywhere else) althering my body chemistry to start vreathing again in in ”mormon shadow blindspots” memorials that usually don’t get any oxygen. It’s a form of social strengthening that I need to keep myself motivated. But I want to make it clear: I’m not some reckless animal. I genuinely want to integrate into society—but into the best version of society, one that will allow me to reach the potential I know I have within me.
Also, the symbol you use—the four-pointed star on the Christmas card—has a deep significance for me. It correlates with the symbols in a manga cartoon I watched in my youth about cyborgs, which was based on the Journey to the West legend. In that story, the Monkey King translates and spreads the holy scriptures to restore spiritual principles and re-establish balance in the universe.
Interestingly, that symbol has appeared in a few new relationships I’ve formed, particularly with this Formula One guy, Lufefe. He sent me the same symbol, and it was engraved on the lighter he gave me. He even mentioned it was his favorite among the emojis.
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This is the next step for me—for us. Will you Help me make it work? Team?
